The size of my God ---

So, I begin my real blogging experience, I am not sure where to start. I suppose I will begin with a few scriptures that have grown to be influencial in my life,a story I have been familiar with before I could even read, but it's inplications are dynamic. You all know about Jonah - and the giant fish that swallowed him up... right?

Jonah 2:1-6.
"From inside the fish Jonah prayed to the Lord his God. He said:
--- In my distress I called to the Lord,
and he answered me.
From the depths of the grave I
called for help.
And you listened to my cry.
You hurled me into the deep,
into the very heart of the seas,
and the currents swirled about me;
all your waved and breakers
swept over me.
I said 'I have been banished
from your sight;
yet I will look again
toward your holy temple.'
The engulfing waters threatened me,
the deep surrounded me;
seaweed wrapped aeround my head.
To the roots of the mountains I sank
down;
the earth beneath barred me in forever.
But you brought my life up from the pit.
O Lord my God."

When I sit and think about the word "pit" -- and when it means to me, I think about the bottle, I think about worldy love. Love of material, love of sin, excitement, pleasure -- the temporary, the next night. Another way to describe this feeling is the seaweed wrapped around my head, the waves drowning me, being amongst the roots of the mountains. My love for the sea, took over my love for the Lord, and I sank.

Jonah had it right when he said "I have been banished from your sight". A love for the sea, made me feel invisible to my God. I will admit, I had never felt so alone in all of my life, so much that even the people that did help me, felt distant. But, I know the Lord knew I would be back, on my knees -- crying out for Him to free my heart from the seaweed that held me down. This day was, so hard for me, to be forgiven... seems pretty unimaginable to me. But He has.

Each morning it feels as though the waves are settling, and I can breath. I can smile, laugh... I can feel the love of the Lord, I can dwell in his presence.

The sea would not let me out easy though. Guilt, shame, fear --- became the tool. If I was not living in sin, I was living in the sin I had already committed - and been forgiven for. This feeling is unbearable. I was convinced I was crazy. Prayer did not make things ease, it heightened my wrongings. I did not want to confide in anybody, for the fear. The fear of looking like I was in search of attention (I have been accused of this too many times), and the fear of letting down a wall I have had built up since my Father walked out of my home, and my heart.

So - it was easier to fasten my emotions into a bottle, the stupid bottle. Why did I open it. Why.

"Yet I will look again
toward your Holy temple."
I believe this, one day, I will look up - without one tear welling up. I will confidently share my story, I will be able to sew, without feeling like a hypocrit. One day - maybe, I will be able to look down from the mountain tops -- instead of being in the roots.

The Lord is my guide everyday - I look to him to be my pathfinder, and the one that lifts up my head. Last year, in 2007 - the church I was a part of had a theme of "taking the limits off", I really enjoyed this. One of the first messages was about "taking the limits off your faith", which has become my goal this year, in 2008 (yes, one year late haha).
The Pastor did not just speak about the importance of faith, but maintaining it, and how faith may be small (like a mustard seed), but our God is HUGE.
He said, it is okay to have doubt, that Jesus even had doubt. But, in Mark we are reminded that Jesus has a faith that surpasses doubt, for he believed he coule calm a storm, and even the waves obeyed Him. This is really uplifting for me, as someone who has doubted my faith in the past, and has severly suffered consequences for my actions. My faith in God is not a fraction as big as His faith in me, as tough as this is to swallow - I am motivated and encouraged by Gods faith in the plan for my life.

Some mornings I wake up excited about what my future holds, as my past is something I am not proud of, my present is not taken for granted - and my future is something heavenly, something beautiful - something I know God will be able to smile at. His child will not let Him down, even a whale cannot keep me from running from His heart now.

The earth will not barr me in forever, as I do not have a heart for the seas - but a heart of victory.

This blogging thing may get a little addicting, LOL.

Jenna