Is what's in my heart, what's right? How does someone else distinct what is best, and what others feel is best? Am I a monster? Do I even deserve what I long for most in my life? Do others want to take it away from me permenantly?
When is true forgiveness taken place, and when do people really open up their hearts for change, and a moving forward? Will I ever get through this, or is it a knot that will never be untangled? Whe do I feel like I have already untangled it and worked through the kincks with the one person I knotted up initially?
When does God say - "I love you my child, of course this is the best choice, the right time - even you deserve this in your life."
Why doesn't anybody else see me for who I am, but through the lense that distorts who I am? What right does anybody have to define me by my deeds? Would they like it if I did that to them?
Is there ever going to be true peace, true acceptance, with no hesitation, no questions, no doubt... just a trust, a willingness to allow me to be a real human being again? Who ISN'T immature? Who is 100% ready? Who cares?
When will time be what changes heart, not words, not accomodations, but actions? When will I be good enough again? When will I feel like people want to be a part of my life & future, instead of the people who want me to sit on my choices for months just so I can recognize? When will they stop knowing whats best, and allow God to take over?
When will I have served my time? Shown my remorse? Shown the change, the thankfulness, the grief? Trust is earned, when will that happen?
Is this never going to subside, will 7 weeks of my life always be who I am?
Will I ever be able to move forward? Wake up and know I am a good person?
But then again, why am I allowing people to have such a hand in my life?
Are my dreams, my future (both near and far) unattainable?
What is true forgiveness?
When is it my turn to be trusted again, to be able to move forward with someone who I have loved all along? Will this ever happen for me? Or will I plan my life according to what others say is "the right time"
What if I feel like this summer is the right time, and it always has been. What if I was not mature before, but believe I have changed? Is God not capable of this?
Will I ever be able to move forward, or are my rebellious choices, what defines who I am...and will be?
- Jenna Dowling
- Just living is not enough. One must have sunshine, freedom, and a little flower.
2 comments:
You are asking God lots of questions and this is a good thing because He promises to give wisdom to those that ask for it.
When I need to make a decision or wonder which path I should take, I let peace be my guide. I have heard that Peace is the potting soil for revelation (understanding).
Praying for you.
The only thing that defines who you are is who you are in Christ.
And believe me it is quite evident where you heart and interest lies..in God.
You are a child of God..and if you ever have questions in life...especially the big ones just ask God ..he knows best- other's opinions can be noted but they are not everything--- plus you are one smart cookie..i think you know best...you are doing a fantastic job thus far!
I love you to bits, all of you- your past your present and future.
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