I Love Spinach Dip

Yesterday was one of those days where you have so much happen, that you could lay awake all night to pick apart and make sense of it. I suppose it began with church in the morning. Though Ry and I were 40 minutes late (the church changed the times, and I was too blonde to remember that), we snuck in just as the pastor began to speak on priorities, and discipline in daily life, in hopes to further your spiritual walk. Even though we missed worship and I was bummed about it, what I took from the service was quite amazing, but I was not about to know that until later that night.
It was about 10:30, and after a crazy game of "hide and go seek in the dark" with Ry, Mike, Manda, Aim, Honey and myself, the guys were really exhausted so they took off. Yes, I said hide & go seek in the dark, and YES.. I am 20.
The pastor in church challenged us at the end of the service to think about 4 questions:
Things that we need to work on.
Things to avoid.
Things that will help us share our faith.
Things that encourage us.

I thought this was really cool, and later this week I was going to sit down for an afternoon and think about these questions. But, I decided last minute to see if Manda and Aim wanted to discuss them as a group, and after using spinach dip as motivation - they were happy to do it!
It was SO incredible to see how different we all were, in our struggles, in our strengths, and in the way we were able to break down and help eachother to move forward from chains that we were holding on to. The talk was great (and spinachy, mmm) but realizing who I am a little but more was so powerful. I am so blessed to have had my 2 best girlfriends with me last night, just to bond and talk about our relationships with God, and to really hear God --- maybe for the first time in a LONG time, and his love for us in the room during that hour or so.
I realized that my struggles lie within myself. That it is not what I need to avoid (I had trouble with that question) but to not avoid -- was what I needed to focus on. Many women my age struggle with the transition from being a youth - and young lady who is free and anxious to change the world, to a women with responsibilties, realities, and learning to put other people before yourself. I know I have dealt with this, on many occasions.
Myself, being someone of a complex past, has become very very good at carrying baggage on my shoulders, and turning a blind eye to them, convincing myself that it will eventually fade and disappear. I have been sadly awakened to the reality that I have to deal with who I am now - to become who I want to be tomorrow. In my past, this box that I put myself in with my emotions and stories, has hurt many people because I am distant, and flaky.This leads to dishonesty, selfishness, and destructive behaviour.

My journey to figure out who I am in God has been such an enlightening, yet, heart breaking experience. Last night was so incredible because something as simple as saying "I need to be with God all day, everyday. I need to work on recognizing Him all the time, not just during devotionals and bible study on Thursdays" has given me so much hope. He is slowly breaking down my every emotion, my every past experience (whether it be happy or traumatic) and saying "alright Jenna, how are we going to heal these wounds, and be forgiven for this?" And even in 5 months, I have been able to trust in the Lord to change my heart, instead of changing other peoples hearts,or the situation.

I can feel the Lord more then ever, I can thank Him for my mornings, for my family & blessings --- and not be overwhelmed with shame. I know life is not about dwelling on what had happened, and I am not defined by my deeds.

Last night was perfect, was so short but so needed. I love my friends, I love how they accept me, and know my heart, I am excited to be able to really start living --- as God always intended me to.

WOW --- this turned into a huge post --- back to homework!!

Jenna